Ghosts of the yester-years

Finally, the ghosts are silenced.

All this while, the feelings have been just under the surface, bubbling. Dormant. It does, however, have the potential of erupting which can result in dire consequences. Or perhaps not. Whatever it is, everything is quite now.

Those feelings and memories and certain jabs resurfaced this past week. I relived some parts of the past five years. It's difficult to say that it wasn't bittersweet. It was. The mind's reel replayed the smiles, the laughter, the intimate moments. Then the scenes were filled with despair and hurt and loneliness. Throughout each scene, I saw myself go through a metamorphosis of some sort. Not into a butterfly, but into who I am at this very moment.

I am grateful to this playbacks, although some may have mistaken it for an unfinished business, a quest for closure or a certain harbouring for love lost. No. It's nothing of the sort. Finally, I've managed to silence the ghosts. My ghosts. I've let go. And I'm no longer looking back.

I thought I truly loved once. And I am glad to have been proven wrong. This man, briskly walked into my life but he did not sweep me off my feet. He excited me, intellectually. Before him, I felt like a drowning victim in a cheap, Houdini-like glass tank trick, bound and gagged.

In 'loving' I lost myself entirely. And I might have killed the person that I thought I loved then. I know that now. Birds aren't meant for cages. No one, nothing is. I suppose we both fooled ourselves into thinking we were content, happy and whole. How foolish. We were but the undead set in a routined life. But then, this man, essence of life personified, graced my life. He was the surge of electricity to the heart and everything was alive. I was alive.

I have never felt so alive, and loved before. I have never been so alive and loved before. It's not like in sonnets where the fair maiden is put on a pedestal and loved and worshiped. With him, we are equals, yet we strive to become better people for each other all the time. We have respect. A friendship. An understanding. A connection. Love. We have each other.

The strength to heal. The strength to unclasp the hand and release. The strength to be happy. I owe it all to this blessed soul I humbly call Husband. And with that strength, I've finally - and happily, silenced the ghosts of my yester-years.

Anis