SONGS OF THE ME

Courtesy of Shaira.

Favourite song(s)?
Hello It's Me - Todd Rundgren
"It's important to me
That you know you are free
'Cause I never want to make you change for me"

Most romantic song?
Our wedding song: Sum 41 - With Me
"I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you"

Most motivational song?
Dream On - Aerosmith
"Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away"

Most comforting song?
Penny and Me - Hanson
"Cause Penny and me like to roll the windows down,
Turn the radio up, and push the pedal to the ground,
And Penny and me like to gaze at starry sky's,
Close our eyes, pretend to fly,
It's always Penny and me tonight"

Most philosophical song?
Poster Girl - Backstreet Boys
"That the consequences of your actions really are just a game
That your life is just a chain reaction taking you day by day
She says nothing's forever in this crazy world"

Most beautiful lyrics?
Come Undone - Robbie Williams
"They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Pray that when I'm coming down you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum
And I'm your son
I come undone"

Best song for walking?
Rock & Roll Hoochie Coo - Rick Derringer
"Couldn't stop moving when it first took hold"

Happiest song?
White Houses - Vanessa Carlton
"My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake"

Saddest song?
Why Does It Always Rain On Me - Travis
"Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?"

Song that you associate with?
Why Georgia - John Mayer
"I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone"

Song that remind you most of childhood?
Everybody Wants to be a Cat - Aristocats OST
"Oh a rinki-tinki-tinki"

Favourite oldies?
Come Together - The Beatles
"He wear no shoeshine he got toe-jam football
He got monkey finger he shoot coca-cola
He say "i know you, you know me"
One thing i can tell you is you got to be free
Come together right now over me"

Favourite non-English song?
Si Te Vas - Marc Anthony

Your song?
Bedshaped - Keane
"I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do"

Most significant song(s) to you and your significant other?
1. Lips of an Angel - Hinder
"My girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you"

2. Lie About Us - Avant featuring Nicole Scherzinger
"And I know you waiting patiently for that day
When we no longer have to lie about us"

Anis

Smile 1ne...

It seems like it was yesterday...

It was the weekend. You took us to Bukit Wang, a waterfall of unrealistic beauty, evergreens as afar as the eyes can strain to pierce through the walls of greenery and muck, on the floor, on the ground, evermore.

EVER...

It was a momentous trip, for the beauty of this trip to Bukit Wang is that it recurs so often, that one forgets the dredges of boredom and continuity. Instead, one learns to:

1. Have fun.

2. Be comfortable with one another.

3. Express thanks and gratitude in the not- distant future.


HMMM...

It was always a tradition, for mama to prepare food to be enjoyed at Bukit Wang. Nasi lemak. Mee goreng. I named and pooped quite a few bits on the menu.

DREAM...

You took us back home, where all dreams are preserved, all hopes of Ever and Lasting is as natural as death. Beauty and seductive, a potent mix.

Take care Father. I shall visit you soon.

I LOVE YOU!!!

Your Son.

Breaking from Tradition

Monday. April 28th. The day Semester III 2007/2008 begins at the University. Yet I am at home. I'm not running around looking for classes. I'm not running around chasing the signatures of certain lecturers for the manual method of adding a course. I am... at home.

It is the weirdest feeling. I feel very much inclined to do all those things I've mentioned because that is what I have been doing for the past four years, every single semester. And now that that cycle has come to a close, I really don't know what to do. Or how to feel.

I keep imagining my acquaintances busying themselves with campus life, and dare I say, how simple life used to be. Once when I was still living that campus life, I often drifted into one of my daydreams where I pictured myself being comfortably snug at home while these poor students do their running around. I'd be satisfied at home, I used to think.

And yet...

Now that I am snug at home and not running around campus, I feel uncomfortable. I feel incomplete, and definitely out of place.

I envy those still running around...

Anis

Truths

I have long avoided watching Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" because I knew it would scare me. To a certain extent, I did believe that ignorance is bliss. However, fate, or the useless-ness of cable television on weekends, forced my husband and I to face the aptly titled 'inconvenient truth' of the situation around us.

The rapidity of the world deteriorating is so heart-wrenching and frightening. I keep thinking "What am I to do? Me? A single soul? Can I help? But wouldn't that mean I'm approximately 1 out of thousands who actually care?" Now, that to me is ignorant. I am ashamed. I now realise that there's a reason why people are starting to put up recycling bins/centers at malls and housing areas. Or that when you walk in the electronics aisle in the grocery store, there's an entire self of energy-saving bulbs.

People do care. And it's about time I joined them without worrying if no one else is doing it. What's important is that I AM doing it. For me. For my family. For our children. Think of the earth as an heirloom. You need to pass it down from one generation to the next, and it needs to be in good condition.

True, that people say that the decaying of the planet is a sure sign that Yaumul Qiyammah is near. Very near. But that does not mean we should sit on our overindulged rears and wait for that day to come while the planet is being destroyed. At least we should do something to nurture the situation until the day comes.

That's the truth.

Another truth was revealed to me as I was watching "The Other Boleyn Girl". Is it not degrading to see women being traded like cattle to elevate the status of men? To have fathers and uncles strategically placing you in the beds of important men so that these men will favour your family with land and ranks and a life at court. Family ambition, it's what it's called. But the truth is that.

Women are seen as objects, rather than a partner or an equal. Granted no man or woman shall be equal for we both have different purposes, different functions. (Oh my, I must have angered some feminists with that statement!) It's a sad truth. But it is truth. This was in the Tudor age. However, for some parts, it's still true now.

Many families still marry, or at least attempt to marry their daughters off for the sake of 'joining' families. It's no coincidence that the other family is of a rank or wealth or both. Marriage with benefits, I suppose.

I part with this note. Women may not be men's equal. They may be better actually. But even so, they should be respected above all. If you think it hard to be a man in this material-driven world, think of the women who, more often than not, need to work twice as hard to rise above the prejudice. It is no petty task. And please, for the sake of our planet, GO GREEN!

A liberated earthling and woman,
Anis

hahahaHaahAhaAAHaHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAH... (see what I did?)

Salaam, and a wonderfull Hey-Loo to you, avid fans of the unknown, perturbed guests of the technical meaning of RECESS, and generally h.i.p. people.

It is me, Matthekage, who once more takes up the man-le mantle that is BLOG, to express to you, amost HEAVENLY pronouncement. MY WIFE CAN COOK.

Observe.

One had the UTMOST pleasure of sating one's quest for male dominance, ergo, "Wife, I can't cook a lick's worth. Would you be so kind as to feed me with your deliciousness?"
Exactly what happened today, only this request was worded yesterday. Oh well, you can't rush art. Yup.

Ward on.

All in all, this week seems a bit rushed, and a bit "heaty" if you'll pardon the massacre. One does not know why, yet one feels like one is being slowly cooked at 228 degrees, for about 8 days. Imagine.

Attend.

One must fare thoust all well, and safe journey. You deal any cards you want, but this doesn't mean anyone is going to play your game.

Salutations, and best of all, NO Worries, Just Think.

Save alittle water and electricity, where you can, when you please. Just be sure that you do so BEFORE our children starts to have to wear gas masks and all sorts of rubbish, just because you can't get on the green page.

Matthekage

P.S. I have not shared with you what exactly My Wife cooked. Don't bother asking, for I am not telling. Not really up to wetting my pants just COMING UP with a WHISK of what to say. Take it from me, Yum.

'80s Baby

Pop ! Goes My Heart
courtesy of the wonderful people on YouTube

You know you're an '80s baby when you love the cheesy sound of this song. :) It's just so mesmerizing. The beat. The hair. The REALLY tight pants. Wonderful. Hugh Grant makes it so much more lovable.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

The kicks of my long academic sabbatical (yes, I'm in denial. Therefore I shall refer to my post-undergraduate and unemployed self as on a sabbatical) is that I have time to read again, and enjoy reading.

A trip to the bookstore with my husband at the beginning of the week as a way of celebrating his acceptance to the University's Post-Graduate degree program left me dumbfounded with the piling choices of books to choose from. After much pawing through numerous books' spine for interesting titles and the inner flap to get better acquainted with the story and/or the author, I settled with 3 books - naturally 2 for me and 1 for the Husband.

One of the books we bought is by Randy Pausch entitled "The Last Lecture". It's non-fiction. A memoir of sorts. I actually surprised myself for choosing this book because I'm a very anti non-fiction. I believe books should be about pirates, vampires and flying carpets. But this was a good choice. For those who loved Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie" would love this book and even find it 10x better. One woman's opinion!

In the book, there's a chapter on cliches. And if you refer to the title of this blog, that is a cliche. A saying of sorts. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? is my favourite because in not so many words, so many lessons are packed into that phrase. The most obvious is to not focus on the tiny details of things (whilst ignoring the main problem/feature/issue/etc.) Life's too short. Of course, the cliche is a reference to the assassination of Abraham Lincoln at the theater house in 1865. I simply love the saying. It makes you think.

Pausch's book and "last" lecture is both honest and inspiring. We wish him and his family all the best.

What's the point of life if Risk is just a board game

In reference to the title - sung by Hugh Grant in Dance with Me Tonight, the question that's been plaguing my mind is "When do you play safe and when do you take risks?"

Two major issues that involve the husband and I to take risks:

1) Baby(s)
Most people always ask the question of readiness when discussing having children. I question my spirituality when people ask me if I'm ready. I've always been religious but sadly it can be considered as limited. Am I good enough a person - a Muslim, to raise a baby with my husband? I would like to be ready in terms of what's spiritual before the baby arrives. But then again, I believe a child can change you for the better - the best, in fact - once he/she arrives even if you aren't ready. So do you wait until you're ready in all terms in existence before having a baby, or do you take the risk, possibly the biggest risk of your life and have the baby despite not being 'ready'?

2) Moving out
Yes. My husband and I would love to have a place of our own. But we also love living where we are now. With family. Our niece is the gem of the family. Just thinking of parting from her causes the heart to ache. But the prospect, the pleasures of having our own place is somewhat limitless. We can discuss having babies without worrying on where we'd put the baby cot since the room we're in now won't fit any other furniture save a stool. Then there's the question of the risk of making rent. With the unpredictable employment seas, whose to say when the tides can turn - especially on you. Do we stay here and risk over-staying our welcome or do we risk whatever we have and move out?

The dilemma of "what ifs" and the question of risk. How exhausting! Yet it is most exciting. I am feeling everything - at least I suppose - an adult feels.

I know I'm not alone, therefore I cannot wait to meet this Risk head-on. En garde!

Ghosts of the yester-years

Finally, the ghosts are silenced.

All this while, the feelings have been just under the surface, bubbling. Dormant. It does, however, have the potential of erupting which can result in dire consequences. Or perhaps not. Whatever it is, everything is quite now.

Those feelings and memories and certain jabs resurfaced this past week. I relived some parts of the past five years. It's difficult to say that it wasn't bittersweet. It was. The mind's reel replayed the smiles, the laughter, the intimate moments. Then the scenes were filled with despair and hurt and loneliness. Throughout each scene, I saw myself go through a metamorphosis of some sort. Not into a butterfly, but into who I am at this very moment.

I am grateful to this playbacks, although some may have mistaken it for an unfinished business, a quest for closure or a certain harbouring for love lost. No. It's nothing of the sort. Finally, I've managed to silence the ghosts. My ghosts. I've let go. And I'm no longer looking back.

I thought I truly loved once. And I am glad to have been proven wrong. This man, briskly walked into my life but he did not sweep me off my feet. He excited me, intellectually. Before him, I felt like a drowning victim in a cheap, Houdini-like glass tank trick, bound and gagged.

In 'loving' I lost myself entirely. And I might have killed the person that I thought I loved then. I know that now. Birds aren't meant for cages. No one, nothing is. I suppose we both fooled ourselves into thinking we were content, happy and whole. How foolish. We were but the undead set in a routined life. But then, this man, essence of life personified, graced my life. He was the surge of electricity to the heart and everything was alive. I was alive.

I have never felt so alive, and loved before. I have never been so alive and loved before. It's not like in sonnets where the fair maiden is put on a pedestal and loved and worshiped. With him, we are equals, yet we strive to become better people for each other all the time. We have respect. A friendship. An understanding. A connection. Love. We have each other.

The strength to heal. The strength to unclasp the hand and release. The strength to be happy. I owe it all to this blessed soul I humbly call Husband. And with that strength, I've finally - and happily, silenced the ghosts of my yester-years.

Anis

5 Years Past

Five years have past and:

1. I can cook better now. Whatever it is, I am confident. I trust my instincts and the dishes turn out pretty good.

2. I never thought I'd be married at the age of 22. Never even thought it possible.

3. I've tried almost every major hairstyle, minus the mullet. Curly, long, short, bobs. Done it all.

4. Loved fiercely and lost. Badly wounded. Til today.

5. My sense of direction is waaaaaay better. I don't need a GPS system, thank goodness.

6. I still love the Backstreet Boys, even after 13 years. Gosh, I'm older.

7. I've concluded that 'closures' are just selfish ways to a-peace the conscience. They don't do anyone any good. Closures are like thumbing salt to an open wound.

8. Realised soulmates do exist. I found E; my Husband, my Dearests.

9. I've learnt to let go of a big part of the past 5 years. Difficult. But gradually, it can be done.

10. I'm ready to become a mother.

~Anis

Random Thoughts: version Anis

Courtesy of flowerre@blogspot

3 names you go by:

1. Anis

2. Dinda

3. Aunty Su

3 songs you love listening to at the moment:

1. I Still - Backstreet Boys

2. Johanna - Sweeney Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Street OST

3. All We Are - OneRepublic

3 things you are wearing right now:

1. Glasses

2. Gray shorts

3. Black t-shirt

3 things that happened this week:

1. Went to Immigration for Kanda's passport

2. Bought 2 baby blankies, 2 playsuits, 2 fullsuits, 4 bibs and 1 receiving towel for our baby

3. Parents came home from Indonesia

3 things you did last night:

1. Went karaoke-ing with the famiy

2. Met up with Kanda and Kidd for pool

3. Slept like a baby

3 things you wish people knew about you:

1. I'm very sensitive to harsh tones. It upsets me.

2. Family is important to me so to have a family member choose an ex of mine over my company is hurtful.

3. I hate buying stuff for myself.

3 things you want in a relationship:

1. Happiness

2. Respect

3. Laughter

3 favourite things to do:

1. Watch Kanda play the PS2. He plays the best games i.e. Blood Will Tell. Not the boring sports games i.e. Football, Golf.

2. Laundry

3. Catch up on movies

3 things you want badly at the moment:

1. Our own apartment

2. Fisher Price Ocean Wonders; Aquarium crib toy
3. A job

3 favourite things:
1. Kanda's lips
2. Backstreet Boys' Unbreakable cd
3. Body Shop Spa Wisdom moisturizing puree

3 things in your bag:
1. Purse.
2. Tissue.
3. ATM receipts

3 must have things on a long journey:
1. Baby wipes (for the frequent toilet stops).
2. Water.
3. Reloaded Touch and Go.

3 pets you have/had:
1. Jerry (the smartest dark gray Persian cat that liked to lick Tiger Balm)
2. Ah Ginge (equivalent to a brother. A cat that thinks its a person)
3. Hunny-bump (my favourite little Tortoise shell cat. The most gorgeous)

3 things you ate today:
1. Pancakes.
2. Sweet & sour fish from Homst
3. Leftover Italiannies calamari fritters

3 people you last talked to:
1. Abang
2. Mom
3. Kanda

3 things you'll be doing tomorrow:
1. Drop by dry-cleaners
2. Buy clothes hanger
3. Pick up Surat Nikah.

3 places you want to go:
1. Langkawi (to make new memories)
2. Wendy's @ Sunway Pyramid
3. Firenze, Italia

FUTURE

It's really scary when you think of what you don't know in the future. My husband and I are planning to have baby. But when? Don't know. What would it feel like? Other than awesome, I really wouldn't know. Terrified, actually.

And then there's the job thing. It's really difficult to find a job nowadays. Who would employ me? At least I have the comfort in knowing that I have until April 21st to just lepak. After results are out, then it's time to sit down and do some serious thinking.

I'm scared out of my mind and so ready to embrace that fear though.

Anis.

The Past

A good friend and I were talking about the past. What we did? Who we were with? The whole deal. The past.

This topic kicked the brain into overdrive.

When we've done something, whatever it is, people always say... "No Regrets". But what if you do have regrets? Do you forgive, yourself and/or the other party? Do you squeeze your eyes tight that it may all disappear from the memory?

As for me, about 5 or 6 years ago, I grew up. Did some really stupid things. Was really stupid for letting people (or just one someone) do the negative psychological things that they did. I've wished for certain years to be erased from memory because it killed me. It was so bad for me. I felt hollow. I was constantly emotionally exhausted. I was dried up. And all of this became bad memories. I try to look for the bright side but dark clouds gather there, permanently. NO one really knows what I went through that 3 years except Allah s.w.t., my trusted pen and paper and my Dearest - who is now my husband and forever Dearest.

But the saying goes, there is always a hikmah behind all that happens, good or bad. Only Allah s.w.t knows what it is. And I believe it's true. Because as bad as it was for me, I found my husband. And all those negativity I weathered through was totally worth it.

I would gladly go through it all again without changing a single thing if it means I'll be living this exact moment with my husband.

The past. Is it all that bad?

A stronger me,
Anis