Helpless

I felt so helpless. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know what to do. I suppose if I did, I couldn't have done anything. I'm so sad.

Last night, I heard noises from the back alley. My husband heard it too. I normally don't think much of noises coming from the alley. It's usually just cats or the pak guard making their rounds. But last night, I was prompted to grab the keys and be a kepohci.

You have no idea how much I wished I hadn't.

My husband accompanied me along the dark alley. I saw Bunny-tail by a tembok. And I saw a familiar male cat scatter away. There was an old, abandoned door on the ground, left for the mushrooms to breed. Bunny-tail didn't look like her normal jovial self. Then, I heard tiny murmuring sounds.

That's when I saw Billy Madison (the cat). He was sprawled on the ground. I didn't know what to make of him. Instinct told me to carry him, but I decided against it. He was quite still, other than the murmuring. Then suddenly the screams started. Nothing I've ever heard from a cat. Billy started thrashing, as if in pain. I couldn't do anything. It was too late. Something had happened. And I couldn't help him. I couldn't.

My husband just hugged me and helped me back to the house. So many theories. So many what-ifs. Yet, I still feel helpless. I am helpless. But, I believe Billy Madison is in a better place.

Things like these, ones that make me sad and feel helpless, are the reason why I don't want to have anymore cats.

Anis